Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos
by Vehemently Yours
Summary: This is the story of how Artemis Fowl finds Hogwarts, the school full of insane students and teachers. Part Two:Group Counseling Session is up! Ron likes to dance, Harry like to sing songs like 'It's Raining Men' and 'I'm Too Sexy' Plz R+R
1. Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos:P...

Disclaimer- I don't own anything in this story except for the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable, and Lady-Mayhem owns absolutely nothing, although she is a patient in my asylum. Even I am an occasional patient. "Occasional." If you could see me right now, I'd be winking. From this story, you'll soon find out that we really should be in an asylum for the insane.  
  
  
  
A/N- This crossover story was written with the help of Lady-Mayhem. The thing about dancing and singing at K-Mart is sort of an inside joke between me and Lady-Mayhem, so it, therefore makes more sense to us and is much funnier to us. This story starts out very slow and boring, but gets all- out, off-wall insane at the end.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
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1 Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos  
  
  
  
Artemis Fowl the Second leaned toward the monitor and looked closely at the picture, wrinkling his forehead and trying to make sense of it. The monitor was receiving pictures from his surveillance system set up in the King's Cross Station. He rewound the tape and zoomed in closer, watching the video again.  
  
There was a particularly eccentric boy in the station. He had a luggage cart with a large trunk packed on top. On top of the trunk sat a cage and in the cage was a tawny-colored owl. Although this still, was not the oddest thing about the boy. He glanced around him quickly as if making sure no one was looking, and as soon as he was satisfied that no one was, he walked right towards the wall between platform nine and platform ten. The boy went straight through the wall, Artemis was sure of it now.  
  
After him, two other girls chatted casually while walking through the wall, and after them three boys walked through, tossing a ball around.  
  
Artemis decided that since he was in England anyway, on a "business trip", he would find out for himself just what was behind this wall. He called to his butler, Butler. "Ready the car. We're going to King's Cross Station."  
  
If Butler thought that this request was in the least bit odd, since they weren't completely through with their "business negotiations", or rather, cheating an art gallery curator out of his money by selling him a forged Impressionist painting, and Artemis usually wouldn't leave in the middle of something like this, he said nothing because he was getting very used to receiving odd orders, since he did work for Artemis Fowl, remember?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Artemis stepped out of the car at King's Cross Station and quickly glanced around. The station was very crowded, as it usually was at this time of day, when people are leaving or arriving for vacation. He waited for Butler to get out of the car and stand beside him, and then Artemis strode briskly into the station.  
  
He headed straight for the wall between the ninth and tenth platform and walked up to the wall and through it, not giving what he was doing a second thought. Artemis and Butler entered a new platform, crowded with kids saying good-bye to their parents, with a big, red steam engine with the words 'The Hogwarts Express' on it.  
  
Artemis stepped into the train and sat down.  
  
"Sir," Butler began, but was interrupted by Artemis.  
  
"I know what you are about to ask," Artemis said. "What are we doing here hmm?"  
  
Butler nodded.  
  
"To be perfectly straightforward and frank, I am curious. I've never heard nor seen anything of a secret platform and a secret train, nor have I ever heard of Hogwarts, which is, I presume, a school. Now that I've found the platform and the train, I'll not likely just forget about it," Artemis said, staring intently out the window, careful not to miss any of the turns.  
  
"Sir," Butler said again. "Have you ever heard the expression "curiosity killed the cat"?"  
  
"Yes, but in the case that you have not noticed, I am most definitely not a cat; I am a Fowl, and I've never heard of the expression "curiosity killed the fowl", have you? No? Never? Well, nor have I."  
  
Artemis listened with great interest to the odd sorts of conversations going on around him.  
  
"I turned my ex-boyfriend into a pig the other day because that's what he is; a pig," one girl said to her friend. "Oh sure, I got a warning letter about using magic in the Muggle world, but it was worth it to see him squealing and running around in circles. My mother's taking care of him for me while I'm gone at school."  
  
A boy was also telling his friend of the pillow he had transfigured into a dog just to eat his homework.  
  
Another girl was crying. "I tried to predict the future, just like the divinations teacher said," the girl said, "and I found out that when Venus moves into place with Mars, my goldfish Winkie will…die! Winkie!" The girl then kept screaming Winkie throughout the entire train ride.  
  
Artemis' head was spinning. Divinations? Transfiguration? Pillow? Dog? Hogwarts? Muggle world? Pigs? Magic? Winkie?  
  
All of the kids replaced their ordinary clothes with long, black robes and black pointed hats. Needless to say, they looked ready for a Halloween party, although Halloween was not for another month.  
  
Finally, the train stopped and over the intercom, a voice said, "We have just arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hope you've enjoyed the ride. Free peanuts on your way out."  
  
Artemis and Butler got out of the train and followed all of the other students to a lake. They all clambered into boats, which took off as soon as they were seated, skimming the glassy surface of the lake, moving without a motor, or anyone steering or rowing. Soon Artemis saw a huge castle with huge towers and turrets and tall, lighted windows.  
  
The boats stopped at the shore of the lake and then they were shuffled into a vast entrance hall, and then into a huge room with four long tables and another table raised on a dais, where old people sat, complete with long robes and pointed hats.  
  
Artemis looked at the ceiling, which, at first, he thought wasn't actually even there, but then he looked closely and saw that the ceiling had stars and clouds and a moon.  
  
All of the kids, which Artemis presumed were students, took seats at the long tables and turned expectantly towards the table raised on the dais, where, Artemis guessed, the teachers sat.  
  
Soon all of the students were seated, leaving Butler and Artemis standing there in the middle of the vast hall full of hungry-looking students (so Artemis obviously guessed this vast chamber was the dining hall.).  
  
"Ah, new students," said a really old-looking man, with a long white beard and crescent moon-shaped spectacles, standing up and looking towards Artemis and Butler. "I am Professor Dumbledore, headmaster here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am so-."  
  
Here Artemis interrupted the Professor. "What if I were to tell you that I didn't have any magic and that I only happened to stumble upon the secret platform and the train by mistake through my extensive research and that right now, I am very frightened and confused. This is all hypothetically speaking, of course," Artemis said.  
  
"Who are you?" Professor Dumbledore breathed in sheer bewilderment.  
  
"Fowl. Artemis Fowl…the Second." (Mission Impossible Theme song starts to play in the back round).  
  
A girl with rather bushy hair stood up. "I'm Hermione Granger and this is not in the original writings of the book. You're ruining our story! I must go consult the book, What to Do in the Case that Someone Who is Not in the Original Writings of the Book Shows Up and Ruins the Story, which I think is by Noah Toodoo. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the library. It shouldn't take me longer than two weeks to read the book, and then I'll know what to do with you!" Hermione said glaring at Artemis and then stomping off down a long, dark hall.  
  
Next, a boy with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead stood up. "Who's the main character of this story? Me! You hear me? Me! Not you! Not some Artemis Fowl the Second! Me, ME, ME, ME, ME!!! Who's the star of this story? You? WRONG! So wrong! Me! Me! Who's the star? You're looking at him! Who's got the scar? Not you! ME! Who's got the scar? Who's got the scar?" the boy said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "This isn't Artemis Fowl the Second's fifth year at Hogwarts! It's mine! You hear me? Harry Potter's! Mine, mine, MINE, MINE!!! What do they need you for? They got me! The Hero! ME! This is about me, people!! Me, me, me!"  
  
"Hey, is this a school or a psychiatric facility for the psychos?" Artemis asked as the boy named Harry Potter continued his angry tirade. Right now, he was back to yelling about who was the star of this story.  
  
"This is a school," one of the teachers at the table said indignantly.  
  
"Right," Artemis said. "Okay, you know what? Here's what I'll do."  
  
"Oh, look. There he goes, trying to be the hero again!" Harry cried.  
  
Just then, a boy with flaming red hair stood up and began to do a weird little dance for everyone.  
  
"Ron, this is no time for dancing!" Harry cried.  
  
"I like to dance," Ron said, continuing to dance.  
  
"Okay, as I was saying, here's what I'll do. You guys just sit tight. Stay right here and don't move. I'm going to go and get you some serious help that you obviously seriously need. I'm going to go and get the guys in the white suits. You know; they'll come out, pick all you guys up in their nice little white vans. They'll come and put you in those stylish straight jackets, and then they'll take you to a luxury suite, with all the white padded walls and stuff. They'll be able to help you," Artemis said, speaking as slowly and as clearly as he could.  
  
"Did you say luxury suite?" a teacher at the table asked, looking interested.  
  
"I like white," another teacher put in.  
  
"I like to dance," said Ron, "I dance at K-Mart and Harry sing at K-Mart to my dancing."  
  
"Okay. R-right," Artemis said. "You guys just stay here okay. I'll be right back with the white guys."  
  
"I like to dance," said Ron, still dancing. "Come on Harry, sing."  
  
Then Harry reluctantly began to sing.  
  
"It's raining men,  
  
Hallelujah!" Harry sang (not very well of course, but it was singing nevertheless).  
  
"Let's get out of here," Artemis murmured to Butler.  
  
"You don't have to tell me twice," Butler said, running out the doors with Artemis.  
  
As Artemis was just about to step out of the doors, he heard Harry begin to sing a new song.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my shoe, my shoe," Harry Potter sang.  
  
Artemis glanced back quickly to see Ron taking off his shoe, and then Artemis ran out through the huge doors, while Harry's song and Ron's dance of 'I'm Too Sexy' continued behind him.  
  
Artemis reached into his pocket as soon as he was outside and pulled out his cell phone. "Yes hello? Is this the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable? Yes? We have some new patients for you. Quite a few new patients actually."  
  
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A/N- Well? Now don't get me wrong. I love the Harry Potter books. I just thought that making them insane in a story would be really fun, and it was. This story was not meant to diss on Harry Potter books. It was just an in-your-free-time-fun-to-write thing. Review if you'd like, but don't ask what we're on, we (Lady-Mayhem and I) get that too much already! 


	2. Artemis Fowl and the School of Psychos:P...

A/N-Hello! I'm back again! ***A chorus of uh-ohs go around the site* **Yep, back again whether you like it of not with a really weird continuation of a really weird story. This is Artemis Fowl and the School of the Psychos Part II: Group Counseling Session by ChaChaChica. This one's as crazy as Part I, or at least I think it is (or I hope it is. I don't know which. It's probably that I hope it is. If I put that I think it is, Lady-Mayhem is sure to review and say, "You actually think? I didn't know that you knew how."). Oh, and an extra special thanks to the people who reviewed this story. I didn't think anyone would actually read it. Well, I hoped that people would read it. I'm glad that you liked it! It was a free time thing (Ha! Free time. Who actually has it?) that me and Lady-Mayhem came up with during orchestra period when we like to joke around and laugh at the back of the room. We came up with some of it during math, too. Anyway, thank you Makura-san for giving me the idea of continuing the story. I really wasn't thinking about continuing the story, but I read your review and I decided to come up with a Part II and ta-dah! (See reviewers? Your reviews are read and listened to, so REVIEW!!) Thank you Lady-Mayhem for sitting there while I wrote.

Disclaimer: I don't own any Harry Potter characters in this story or any Artemis Fowl characters. They belong to Eoin Colfer and J.K. Rowling, unfortunately. L If I did own them, I wouldn't be having to resort to posting my stories up at fanfiction.net to get my stuff read. I DO, however own The Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable, and Miss Happyfriend (don't ask, just read the story and find out about Miss Happyfriend).

Here it is, Part II. ENJOY!! And PLEASE review after reading it. It is a stupid story, but don't tell Lady-Mayhem that. She takes revenge very seriously. 

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ARTEMIS FOWL AND THE SCHOOL OF PSYCHOS PART II: GROUP COUNSELING SESSION

Artemis Fowl the Second walked down the main stairs of Fowl Manor and towards the front doors. He stopped in front of the doors and gathered the mail that the postman had shoved through the mail slot. Artemis was just turning to go when he heard a knock at the doors.

Artemis clicked on the monitor next to the door that was connected to a button-sized surveillance camera, placed on the door. He liked to check whether or not the person at the doors looked like paid assassins, just to be safe. Criminal masterminds were never without enemies.

No, not a paid assassin; the postman, whose nametag read Fred Freddie Frederick Frederickson Jr.; he had a very long nametag. (A/N- Fred Freddie Frederickson Jr. and poor Fred Freddie Frederickson Jr., which will come up later in this story, are inside jokes. I don't know why I bother putting inside jokes in my stories-there's one in Part I, too- because no one except me and my friends will understand them fully. But I just couldn't resist putting Fred in here and the dancing and singing at K-Mart thing in part I.)

Artemis pulled the doors open.

"Master Fowl, I forgot to give you this package," Fred etc. etc. etc. etc. said, handing Artemis a package wrapped in brown paper.

"Hmm," Artemis said, taking the package. Then he shut the door and started back up the stairs.

"Jerk," Fred etc. etc. etc. etc. muttered after Artemis shut the door in his face. "No thanks for the postman. Oh no, just take the package and shut the door on the postman's face. Humph. Poor Fred Freddie Frederick Frederickson." The postman continued mumbling and cursing all the way down the Fowl Manor drive until Artemis's guard dog Froo-Froo, a tiny Chihuahua, began chasing after Fred. (A/N- Froo-Froo is an inside joke, too.)

Artemis walked up the stairs, still eyeing the package curiously. He took it to the room with all the surveillance monitors and computers in it.

After checking the package for bombs, (criminal masterminds did have enemies, remember) he opened the package and read the letter that fell out. 

The letter went like this:

_Master Fowl,_

_Enclosed with this letter is a video of a group counseling session of the patients you sent to the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable. The purpose of the video is to show you how the patients you sent here are progressing, or not progressing in this case. The case that patients here are not progressing is very rare. Most always progress and recover. And well, if recovery is a road, the patients you sent in are going to have to travel on a very, very, very, and did I mention very long road from the looks of things at this point._

_What you see may disturb or even frighten, but please, watch the entire video so that you can help us decide what should be done to help these- hmm, well, let's just call them "special"-people recover._

_                                       Thank You,_

_       The Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable_

Artemis would have groaned or sighed if he showed emotions like a normal person, but he didn't show emotions like normal people, so, obviously, he didn't sigh or groan. He just slid the tape into a VCR, and then called to Butler.

"Yes?" Butler said, coming into the room. 

"Would you like to see how our friends are doing at the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable?" Artemis asked, pushing the play button. 

Butler and Artemis both took a seat and prepared themselves for a promising-to-be-very-odd movie.

On the T.V. screen, Artemis and Butler saw all of the people they had seen that one night at Hogwarts, except that one entire table of students seemed to be missing. They were all seated in a large room with, yes, white walls in a huge circle around a lady that must have been the counselor, whose nametag said her name was Miss Happyfriend. Artemis and Butler also noticed that they all still wore robes, but they weren't black robes anymore. They were, yes, you guessed it, white robes.

"Okay," said Miss Happyfriend. "I am your group counselor, Miss Happyfriend. Now that everyone is here, well, except for a group of children that call themselves the Slytherins," the counselor said, after a quick glance at her notes attached to a clipboard with yellow smiley faces all over it. "But we'll let them continue working on their plans for milk domination. Hmm, yes, the code name of their secret plans, which no one else who's not a Slytherin is supposed to know is 'Got Milk?'"

"Who got milk?" a boy asked. "Where? Where?"

"No, no. No one has milk. That's the code name of their secret plans for milk domination," Miss Happyfriend said. "Now, does anyone have anything they want to say? Like how they feel right now. What they're thinking about right now. Anything at all. We are all here for you."

"I like cheese," someone said.

"Good. Anything else?" Miss Happyfriend asked.

"No."

Hermione stood up. "It wasn't in the script! It wasn't! I'm positive! You all think I'm crazy, but I memorized the script and I looked it over thirty-seven times, and that wasn't in there! Are you calling me a liar? It wasn't! I'm not a liar! I'm not crazy! I'm telling the truth!" She shook the papers she was holding, which must have been the script.

"What wasn't in the script?" Miss Happyfriend asked.

"It just wasn't there! It wasn't! It wasn't! Don't you believe me? Don't you? Don't you?" Hermione cried frantically.

"Yes, yes, I believe you!" Miss Happyfriend said, and then wrote something down in her notes. "Can I see the script?"

"Yes, and you tell me whether it's in there or not!" Hermione said, getting up, crossing the room and handing the papers to Miss Happyfriend.

The papers were about thirty pages of blank paper. Not a script. Not even one letter was on even one of these papers.

"Is it in there?" Hermione asked urgently.

"No, it's definitely not in there," Miss Happyfriend said, writing more notes on her clipboard.

"Hah! I told you it wasn't in there! It wasn't! It wasn't!" Hermione said. "You still don't believe me! Do you? Do you?"

Then, a boy who introduced himself as Seamus Finnigan stood up and said, "I like pictures."

"Oh really? Well isn't that nice. Now how do pictures make you feel?" Miss Happyfriend asked.

"Good," Seamus answered.

"So you like to look at pictures," Miss Happyfriend said, writing more notes on her clipboard.

"They taste good," Seamus said.

"You don't look at them?" Miss Happyfriend asked.

"They taste good."

"Okay," Miss Happyfriend said, scriibling something out of her notes and adding more notes. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Yes!" shouted Professor Dumbledore, standing up and pointing to another teacher. "You stole my socks, I know you did Professor McGonagall! Where are they? I want them back now! I'll count to three! One, five, twelve, sixty-two…"

"Yeah! And you stole my tweezers too! Now how am I supposed to groom my pet hotdog with all his green hair, hmm?" a girl asked, holding up a moldy hotdog.

"Well Miss Patil, I never," Professor McGonagall protested indignantly.

"You stole my earwax collection!" a boy shouted. "It took me four years to get all that earwax!"

Professor McGonagall stood up. "Hello, my name is Minerva McGonagall, and I have a problem. I… am a kleptomaniac."

"Fred…" said a boy, with flaming red hair, just like Ron's, standing up.

"And George Weasley," his twin said, standing up next to him.

"Saving the world…" said Fred.

"One piece of Kung Fu fighting celery at a time!" said George.

"Die Artemis Fowl the Second, die!" Harry Potter said, standing up and stomping on an imaginary Artemis Fowl the Second. "Die! I'm the main character, so die!" Harry shouted furiously, and then he began to snarl ferociously and froth at the mouth like a rabid coyote. "I even wrote a song about it that I like to sing. Ron, you dance."

"Yeah baby! I like to dance," Ron said hopping to his feet and starting to dance, even before Harry began singing the song.

"Die Artemis Fowl the second, die! 

I want to poke you in the eye!

I want to punch you!

And shove you in some goblin goo!

'Cause I'm the star!

'Cause I got the scar!

I want you to get run over by a car!

Die! Die! Die!

Let's hope you can fly!

'Cause you'll need it when I shove you off a plane!

I'll tie you to the tracks, then wait for a train!

Die Artemis Fowl the Second, Die!!" Harry sang, while Ron danced.

"More song! More song!" Ron shouted, wanting to dance more. 

Harry thought for a moment, and then began to sing 'It's Getting Hot in Here.' If there was a pole, you could call Ron's dancing to 'It's Getting Hot in Here', pole dancing, but since there were no poles, (for the safety of the patients who tended to run around in circles shouting, 'pet the monkey', or, 'the bananas are attacking, the bananas are attacking' that also tended to run into the poles) you could just describe Ron's dancing as "exotic".   
            "Peter Pan says I can fly!" said a boy, hopping out of his seat, running to the window, and jumping out.

Miss Happyfriend wrote something down on her notes, which was probably something like one down, only about a couple hundred more to go.

"I knew Cedric was going to do that one of these days," a boy muttered between mouthfuls of the white padding off the walls. (A/N-When I wrote this story, I totally forgot that Cedric dies in the fourth book-I'm sorry if I'm giving away a surprise for people who haven't read the fourth book, but most people have-and I realized that he's dead later, a little before I started typing Part II up. So Cedric has come back to life, only to die again, okay? I never liked Cedric in the Harry Potter books anyway. Oh, but he's not dead in this story, yet. Dun, dun, dun! Read on!)

"I like to dance," Ron said, still dancing to Harry's singing.

"It's getting hot in here," Harry sang. "So take off all your clothes." Then he even went into falsetto for the female singing part of the song (very bad falsetto, yes, but it was still falsetto).

"Zoom, zoom," said a boy, standing up, spreading his arms out like a plane, and running around in circles shouting 'zoom, zoom' over and over again.

"No," Miss Happyfriend said. "Everyone sit down! Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean, Fred, George, everyone, sit! No Neville! Stop eating the padding off of the walls! Everyone, this is a magical place! Everyone listens to each other and respects each other. Right now, I'm talking, so listen to me!"

"Did you say magical?" Dumbledore asked, stasnding up. "Yes! Finally!" Professor Dumbledore whipped out a wand and began shooting colorful sparks around the room.

"Pretty lights," a boy named Justin Finch-Fletchley said.

"I like to dance," said Ron, still dancing.

"It is getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off," Harry sang in his really bad falsetto singing voice.

"This isn't in the script!" cried Hermione, running around and waving the blank sheets of paper in people's faces.

"Winkie!" said a girl, sobbing hysterically.

"Everybody sit! You sit too, Lavendar. Winkie's gone and he's not coming back," said Miss Happyfriend, which only made Lavendar sob louder and cry 'Winkie' even louder.

Harry then began to sing a new song, since the other one was over. "Man, I feel like a woman, doo-do-do-doo-do-doo-doo," Harry sang, while Ron still danced.

"Hasn't anyone even read the script?" Hermione cried.

Everyone paused in their various activities just long enough to shout, "No" and then returned to doing whatever they were doing before.

Then a boy that Artemis had not seen at Hogwarts stood up. "Hi, I'm Larry," he said.

"Hi Larry," everyone chorused, but then continued their individual activities.

"And I have no idea why I'm here," Larry said. "I like to skateboard and my favorite food is pizza with pepperoni on it."

"I'm tired of being mean old Professor Snape," a man with black hair declared, standing up. "I'm going to change my ways. My favorite show is now Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Free paper hearts for everyone!" he shouted, pulling out a pink floral print bag full of paper pink and red hearts, and tossing them around the room while singing 'It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood'. Harry sang louder to be heard over Snape's singing.

"That's not in the script!" Hermione cried frantically. "You're supposed to be mean and cruel and evil and…and…" Hermione burst into tears.

"Ah, poor Book Girl. Do you need a hug? How about a heart?" Snape asked, reaching into his pink flowery bag and pulling out a big red heart, which he handed to Hermione.

Hermione took the script and threw it furiously out the window.

"Your script!" a girl cried.

"Screw the friggin' script you idiot!" Hermione shouted.

"Now, now," said Snape, waggling a finger at Hermione. "This is a happy, magical place where we all respect each other. No name-calling. In the eyes of God, we are all equal. Let's all sing praise to our Lord! Hallelujah!"

"Sing?" Harry said. "I sing, Ron dances. See? Listen. The best thing about being a woman, is the prerogative to have a little fun, oo-oh-oh-oh. Go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady. Men's shirts-short skirts, oo-oh-oh-oh, really go wild. Doin' it in style!" Harry sang. Ron danced, as always.

"Winkie!" Lavendar cried. "Come back to me my precious goldfish. Why did you have to leave me? Why? Why?"

"Zoom, zoom," went Dean, still running around in circles with his arms spread wide.

"Hearts for everyone!" shouted Snape.

"Man, I feel like a woman," Harry sang. 

"I like to dance and shake my groove thang! Par-tay!" Ron said, dancing (still without a pole).

"Aaahhh! I'm not flying yet, Peter Pan! Come and get me Tinker Bell! Come and sprinkle me with your magical flying dust! Take me Never-Never Land! AAAHHHH!" Cedric said, still falling from the five hundred and seventy-two story building.   

            "No! Happy place. Sit in your seats! No more singing! No more dancing, no more zoom zoom, no more Winkie, no more aaahhhh! No more script, no more hearts, no more pink flowery handbags, no more beautiful days in the neighborhood, no more colorful sparks shooting out of sticks, no more Larry!" Miss Happyfriend cried, eyes closed, rocking back and forth on her heels with her hands over her ears, and shaking her head.

"Hey! What did I do? I don't even know why I'm here," Larry protested.

"AAARRRRGGHHHH!" shouted Miss Happyfriend, finally cracking. "I quit! I quit! I just do! You people are insane! You hear me? Absolutely mad! I quit, quit, quit! I'm changing my name to Miss Keep-Me-Away-From-The-Psychos-Or-I'll-Hurt-You! But remember this day well, my crazy little patients," Miss Keep-Me-Away-From-The-Psychos-Or-I'll-Hurt-You said, her voice dropping considerably lower in volume and becoming dangerously calm. "Because this day will be the reason for my revenge! Years later, when you least expect it, I'll have my revenge! I vow it now with all of you as witnesses, that I, Miss Blah, blah, blah, will have my revenge! If you don't get swallowed by your own insanity first, I'll come back. I'll bring monkeys, lots of them, and banana peels, and flies, lots of flies! Don't forget that I'll bring billions of almost-sober daisies that'll laugh in your faces! Hah! Hah, you hear me? HAH! Then, I'll bring the chicken bones that'll slowly regenerate to become Kung Fu fighting zombies that'll eat you all alive or they'll take you to their prison camps made out of fungus on Lake Titicaca! I will be back…with my army!!!" Miss Keep-Me-Away-From-The-Psychos-Or-I'll-Hurt-You then ran out of the room, down the hall, and out the front doors, all the while shouting about banana peels, monkeys, flies, almost-sober daisies that like to laugh, regenerated Kung Fu fighting chicken bones, and prison camps made of fungus on Lake Titicaca.

"You people are insane!" Larry shouted, then ran out of the room, down the hall, and out the front doors, the whole time shouting about insane people.

A lady, who came to group counseling sessions to check up on the patients and whose name was Miss Howdoyoufeel, sighed. "That's the twelfth counselor that has quit while counseling you this week, and it's only Tuesday!"

"Zoom zoom," went Dean.

"Winkie!" sobbed Lavendar.

"AAAHHHHHH!" yelled Cedric, then, "SPLAT!"

"It's a beautiful day in the Asylum for the Insane and the Mentally Unstable!" said Snape, still tossing paper hearts around. "We are the 'special' people."

"Yummy wall padding," Neville said through a mouthful of white wall padding.

"I hate books and scripts and paper and pens and libraries!" Hermione shouted. "Burn books and scripts and pens and papers," she said, watching a bonfire of books, scripts, papers, and pens she had created. "BURN!"

"Pretty sparks," said Dumbledore, still shooting out colorful sparks from his wand. "Magical place."

"I like to dance," Ron said, still dancing to Harry's singing.

"Now taking requests!" Harry said, since he finished singing 'Man I Feel Like A Woman'.

"Underneath Your Clothes!" a girl shouted.

"Okay, I know that one!" Harry said, and began to sing 'Underneath Your Clothes'.

"Master Fowl," Miss Howdoyoufeel said, speaking into the camera. "This is their seventeenth group counseling session and each of them have had at least three independent counseling sessions. All of the counselors that counseled them, independent and group, have either quit, gone insane themselves and have become patients here, and sometimes worse. Miss Howareyoufeeling is still missing. She ran into the forest after a group counseling session. And Professor Tellmeaboutit, a hired professional with a degree in the study of crazy people, is still, sadly, in the hospital intensive care. These patients are not showing progress at all, which is rare. All of our patients usually return to normal lives, but these people look like they'll be crazy for the rest of their lives. Because they are a danger to this asylum and to humanity in general, and are not progressing, they will be put to sleep next week. If you have any suggestions about a way to make them sane again, please contact us, otherwise, they will be sent to Rabid Dogs Clinic to be put to sleep early next week."

"Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. There's the man I chose, there's my territory, and all the things I deserve, for being such a good girl, honey," Harry sang in the backround while Ron still danced.

And then Dean, still running around in circles while saying 'zoom zoom' over and over and over and over again, ran into the camera. Artemis saw gray static and then he was looking at a blank television screen.

"Any suggestions for them, Butler?" Artemis asked, still staring at the blank screen.

"No," Butler said, "but can I watch them get put to sleep?"

                           THIS IS THE END OF PART II

Yes, this is the end. *wipes away a tear* But cry not my friends, for Part III: Escape From the Rabid Dogs Clinic is coming soon! Please review, even if you did think it was totally weird, which it was, I'll admit, or totally stupid, which it was, I'll admit that too. But I thought it was really funny, and it was really fun to write. So please, don't flame me too bad. Lady-Mayhem and I are extremely flammable.

*Smiles*   
*Peace*  
Don't forget to read Part III, which will be up soon, I hope!    
  
  
  
  
  



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